SPECIAL REPORT: Tom Mosquito's Undercover COVID Avoidance Animal Republic Investigation

I'm back, where am I?

Hey! I finally found you readers! I’ve been away for almost a year! You see I had to go into hiding.

Let me see if I can remember. Yes yes yes, last January at the height of the pandemic I became so peeved with my partying roommates and my job that required me to work around un-masked mouth-breathers that I became feral. Yes, it’s all well to make memes about disappearing into the woods but I have actually done it.

You see I put on one of those horse head masks and I enlisted in the Animal Republic. You may remember them as the junta of animals that overtook the staff at Animal City, declared statehood, and annexed Donut Country. Yes, I joined their ranks- all to avoid human contact and COVID-19!

I (allegedly) fought in their skirmishes against the Animal Control, the TBI, and Murfreesboro Parks and Recreation. Mostly it was alot of graffiti actually, but I learned that deer antlers can (allegedly) pop cop car tires, and that opossums are very handy with slingshots. They thought that my opposable thumbs and bipedal movements were sus af but I quickly proved myself to their cause.

I was away from computers and phones for months and months. SO IMAGINE MY SURPRISE to hear that COVID-19 had passed to deer and could be transmitted to humans! I’m not proud to admit this publicly but I panicked and left my animal life behind. I pretended to have been stranded in lock-down in Europe for a year and got my old job back. Then I immediately quit in a worker walk out and got a much better job that I have no experience or qualifications for, ha ha ha! It turned out that a couple of vaccines had been developed while I was in the woods, so I (allegedly) stole 3 booster shots which my raccoon friend that I still talk to administered. I’m now told they were free anyway- so yeah.

I hadn’t realized how much time had passed and that I had neglected my journalistic duty to you reader. So there it is, the story of why I have been missing for a year- I hope you can forgive me. I can’t really make up for lost time, but I’ll you some fresh stories soon and I Autumn-Winter 2021 Edition to read this month.